Let's Pretend This Never Happened

And that s why I m better than Laura Ingalls. Because my story is ninety percent accurate, and I really did live in a dugout.1 The reason this memoir is only mostly true instead of totally true is that I relish not getting sued. Also, I want my family to be able to say, Oh, that never happened. Of course we never actually tossed her out of a moving car when she was eight. That s one of those crazy things that isn t quite the truth. (And they re right, because the truth is that I was nine. I was sitting on my mom s lap when my dad made a hard left, the door popped open, and I was tossed out like a sack full of kittens. My mom managed to grab my arm, which would have been helpful if my father had actually stopped the car, but apparently he didn t notice or possibly thought I d just catch up, and so my legs were dragged through a parking lot that I m pretty sure was paved with broken glass and used syringes. (I learned three lessons from this experience: One: that vehicle safety in the late seventies was not exceptional for children. Two: that you should always leave before the officials arrive, as the orangeish sting of the medicinal acid applied by a sadistic ambulance driver will hurt far worse than any injury you can sustain being dragged behind a car. And three: that Don t make me come back there is an empty threat, unless your father has been driving four hours with two screaming kids and he suddenly gets very quiet, in which case you should lock your door or at least remember to tuck and roll. I m not saying he intentionally threw me out of a moving car, just that an opportunity presented itself and that my father is a dangerous man who shouldn t be trusted.)2

Did you notice how, like, half of this introduction was a rambling parenthetical? That shit is going to happen all the time. I apologize in advance for that, and also for offending you, because you re going to get halfway through this book and giggle at non sequiturs about Hitler and abortions and poverty, and you ll feel superior to all the uptight, easily offended people who need to learn how to take a fucking joke, but then somewhere in here you ll read one random